December 15, 2017 Fun Category 0

Joke 1

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this. If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers—all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Joke 2

During the Great Depression, a man walks into a bar one day. He walks up to the bartender and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

The bartender says, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.” The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” he asks.

“I’m a professional gambler,” replies the man.

The bartender says, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” says the guy.

“Like what?” asks the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender thinks about it and says, “OK.” So the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

“Aw, you screwed me,” says the bartender, and pays the guy his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye,” says the stranger.

The bartender thinks again and says, “Well, I know you’re not blind since I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” says the bartender.

“That’s how I win so much money, bartender,” says the man. “I’ll just take a bottle of your best Scotch in lieu of the $50.”

With that, the guy goes to the back room and spends the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbles up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, says, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into the whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again ponders the bet. The guy can’t even stand up straight on his own two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on,” he says.

The guy climbs up on the bar, stands on one leg, and begins pissing all over the place. He hits the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop makes it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender is ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender says, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”

The guy climbs down off the bar and says, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!”